Still Time
by HowNowWit
Summary: Maura reminisces about an event in her past. Jane comforts. AU Rizzles. [Short pic ficlet from tumblr. See link in profile.]


Still Time

"I was in college." She shrugged, let out a wet sound that tried to be a laugh but failed halfway through. "I thought, someday…someday I _would_ have a baby, and it would be when it was best for both me and her. Or him." The tears clogged her throat and she swallowed, pushing them down. Where was this coming from? "A time when I could love him and give him everything he needed. But just not…not _then_. Not when I was just starting to think about med school." Her eyes darted up, Jane's face blurry through the gathering tears. And she didn't know why she was pleading. Why she seemed to be asking a question rather than stating a reason. "My life had just started. I had no means to start another life all on my own."

Jane's thumb brushed against her shoulder. Small, rhythmic swipes. The touch was light along her skin, barely there. Reassuring without pushing. She found herself admitting more than she intended.

"I thought about it." A whisper, but loud in the small space between them on the couch. "An abortion. I was scared."

She crumpled the tissue in her fingers, not meeting Jane's eyes. The thumb had stopped, and she didn't know what that meant. But Jane's knees still pressed into her own beneath the blanket.

"It happened three days later. I woke up. I thought it was just cramps." She stared over Jane's shoulder, seeing that day all over again. She shivered. "There was blood everywhere." Her voice dropped lower. "It wouldn't stop."

The hand on her shoulder tightened. Another came to rest on her knee. More circles. It gave her the courage to get to the heart of it.

"And for a moment," she curled into herself, head turning to the side as the familiar ache suffused her limbs, weighing her down. "For a minute I was…relieved."

She lost herself a moment, and there was nothing but red and relief, regret and pain and bloody sheets.

Jane's hand moved to her neck, thumb now caressing a collarbone. The connection pulled her back, settled her back on the couch with knees and hands grounding her lest she float away. She took a deep breath, wiping the tissue beneath her eyes.

"But if I'd known…"

"Hey…" The low, rough voice was almost startling in the stillness. The sound of boots on wet gravel after a rainstorm. But the tone was soft, comforting. It struck a chord, brought the prick of more tears. And something inside Maura raised its head against the solace, pushed away. She didn't deserve that. Not now.

She shook her head. "If I had known," she repeated, more firmly, but unable to contain the tremor in her lip, "fifteen years later that I would still be…" She sighed, the exhale shuddering her body as the last confession slipped out. "Maybe I would have tried harder. Tried harder to keep him. Her."

"Maura." Jane shifted on the cushions, moving closer, and this time she knew she would not be silenced. "Maur." Firmer. The hand tucked hair behind her ear before coming to rest on her cheek. "There's nothing you could have done. These things happen. It's not your fault."

The words wrapped around her like the blanket in her lap, but she just shook her head, the tears falling as she closed her eyes.

"Look at me."

She swallowed, the tangle in her chest too complicated to add judgment to it, too.

"Maura." Closer this time. An arm wrapped around her back and she was being hugged. "Look at me. Please."

Reluctantly she opened her eyes to find dark brown gazing back. Brown and familiar. Not different at all.

"It's not your fault, do you hear me?" Resolute, present. Open and compassionate. But no judgment. "You did _not_ cause that miscarriage by thinking about an abortion." A hand found and gripped hers. "You did _not_."

She blinked rapidly, unsure why the words felt so warm in her chest, confused by the sudden weakness that made her slump against the offered contact. Angles and curves. Welcoming warmth. Jane pressed tighter against her side, leaning in, and Maura took a shuddering breath full of lavender.

Lips brushed against her cheek, lingering with emotion, before moving to whisper in her ear. The voice trembled in a way that melted something inside her.

"Not your fault." A pause, the squeeze of a hand. "And there's still time."

...

A/N: This is a short pic fic from tumblr. You can find the link to the picture in my FF profile. I recommend seeing it for context.


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